His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I need to calm my uterus...
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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