if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
