I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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