Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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