i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
