The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
