You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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