God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
