no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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