The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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