what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
