my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize