god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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