remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
