life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I think pants incapable of making pants work
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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