Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
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My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
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I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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