Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
