You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
