My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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