I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I am spending my child support on dildos
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
