Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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