Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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