I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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