he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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