I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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