So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
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