Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
