i need an iv and a liver transplant
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Found the puke drawer
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
