What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
