I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
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you didnt know i had herpes?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
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I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar