Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
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Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
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She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?