Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
he was CRYING into my vagina
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
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It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
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Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.