Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.