Texts From Last Night

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  (310): View more from California

  that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something

  (818): View more from California

  its my fault though, i'm wearing tights

  (310): View more from California

  you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap

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  (310): that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something (818): its my fault though, i'm wearing tights (310): you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap http://tfl.nu/15rb
  Replies (22) Good night (3650) Bad night (970)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall

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  (617): I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall http://tfl.nu/nke4
  Replies (19) Good night (5038) Bad night (943)
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.

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  (337): Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again. http://tfl.nu/uobp
  Replies (17) Good night (3847) Bad night (995)
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  (650): View more from California

  I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now

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  (650): I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now http://tfl.nu/rdt3
  Replies (23) Good night (4162) Bad night (1536)
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  (530): View more from California

  We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.

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  (530): We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers. http://tfl.nu/jnk6
  Replies (17) Good night (4448) Bad night (1121)
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  (650): View more from California

  an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.

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  (650): an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty. http://tfl.nu/vy3j
  Replies (81) Good night (10475) Bad night (3058)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.

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  (817): I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy. http://tfl.nu/amvl
  Replies (13) Good night (986) Bad night (4162)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"

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  (850): He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day" http://tfl.nu/t1df
  Replies (26) Good night (2353) Bad night (9337)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved

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  (+44): I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved http://tfl.nu/iajb
  Replies (3) Good night (2645) Bad night (838)
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.

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  (856): I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy. http://tfl.nu/827v
  Replies (4) Good night (1219) Bad night (1169)
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.

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  (785): And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week. http://tfl.nu/s5eh
  Replies (10) Good night (801) Bad night (2034)
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic

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  (765): My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic http://tfl.nu/h32f
  Replies (0) Good night (707) Bad night (409)
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor

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  (814): Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor http://tfl.nu/6e1k
  Replies (0) Good night (561) Bad night (369)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  The Easter dress struggle is real

  (206): View more from Washington

  Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.

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  (303): The Easter dress struggle is real (206): Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke. http://tfl.nu/nr48
  Replies (0) Good night (384) Bad night (480)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.

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  (402): I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description. http://tfl.nu/86v9
  Replies (3) Good night (412) Bad night (326)

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