I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
