How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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