your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
