I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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