Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Randomize
