Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
