There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
