I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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