im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
