Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
