Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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