I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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