My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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