she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
