Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
