Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
