The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize