Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
