so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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