you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
