life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
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