Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
