She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
