THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
