Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
