It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
