I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
try to milk me bitch
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