mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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