and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
accomplished twins. life is a go
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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