What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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