I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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