I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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