the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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